Naked in the Dark: A Definitive List of the Lord of the Rings Characters That F*ck

When it came to sword genealogies, J. R. R. Tolkien left little to the imagination. But when it came to discussing which of his iconic characters were noble heroes in the streets/Uruk Hai in the sheets, Professor Tolkien was far more reticent.

Thus we have taken it upon ourselves to answer an eternal question: which Lord of the Rings characters, shall we say, laid waste to Helm’s Deep? Who’s always down for Second Breakfast? Which ones hopped the Buckleberry Ferry to Bonetown? Who reassembled the Shards of Narsil into a mighty sword?

OK, that last one doesn’t work. We admit that.

Anyway, which LOTR characters definitely got it on? Join us as we answer that question for a smattering of Middle-earth citizens, arranged from the most libertine to the most chaste…

This all started, as everything good does, with a Slack conversation. We mostly stuck to the Fellowship, but, well, some of us have burning crushes on Galadriel, and it’s our list anyway and we can do what we want. I have left direct attributions out to preserve the participants’ honor, but please understand that all of us contributed to this, and none of us are sorry.

Gandalf the Grey

After much disputation and handwringing, it was decided that Gandalf the Grey should be on top. (And presumably a wizard arrives precisely when he means to.) I am going on record, however, in saying that Gandalf the White does not fuck.

Gimli

It was stated in our conversation that “this is a fight between Gimli and Sam.” Obviously with Sam we have evidence in the form of adorable Hobbit moppets. With Gimli we simply have to trust that his swagger is born of knowing that he’s never in his life gone home from a mead hall or club alone.

Sam

Seems to be a late-bloomer, spending much of his youth pining for Frodo like a refugee from a Sally Rooney novel. But after living through Mordor, and returning home to the Scouring of the Shire, he found a new confidence and promptly wooed the most beautiful woman in Hobbiton, became Mayor for seven consecutive terms, and fathered thirteen children.

Thirteen.

Galadriel

Our queen is not dark but beautiful and terrible as the Dawn, treacherous as the Sea, stronger than the foundations of the Earth, and she absolutely fucks.

The Oliphaunts

Wait.

That isn’t… isn’t that  actor and fictional sheriff Timothy Olyphant?

Whatever.

The Balrog

Slayed Gandalf, most likely slayed a few other things too.

Meriadoc Brandybuck

Definitely embraced promiscuity after the Scouring of the Shire.

Éowyn

Spent her youth fighting off the walking 4Chan post that is Gríma Wormtongue, thought she found real love with Aragorn only to be rejected for a memory of love (more on that later), yeeted gender norms from her life like Denethor from a parapet, and, finally, stabbed the shit out of the WitchKing. Our girl had a lot of, uhhh, pent up energy by the time she finally met Faramir in the Houses of Healing. (Cue Marvin Gaye.)

The Ents

…used to fuck? But Treebeard acknowledges that there hasn’t been an Enting in a long time. In fact the closest Treebeard gets to being hasty, is in the urgency with which he inquires after the Entwives.

Boromir

I am not convinced that Boromir fucks. I am convinced that he brought significant others home for family dinners, to try to relieve some of the tension of his home life, and then Denethor spent the whole meal talking about how lucky someone would be to marry his better son and give him lots of heirs.

Ick.

Aragorn

Yes, I know, you think he fucks, because Viggo Mortensen and Miranda Otto’s Eowyn eye-fucked all the way to Helm’s Deep, and he put enough fire into that single kiss with Liv Tyler’s Arwen to light every Beacon in Middle-earth. BUT. We would argue, and we are correct, that Aragorn mostly pines. He loves pining. He pines for days gone by, for long-lost kingdoms, for shield maidens and elf maidens, for his own long years of rule and the peace they’ll bring to the land. He’d much rather pine, and think about how great things could be, than actually do anything. Or anyone.

Pippin

Is UNDERAGE. We’ve covered this. But once he’s old enough to wow everyone at the Prancing Pony’s karaoke nights? He’ll be fending off Hobbits of every gender, and you know he’ll stay friends with all of his exes.

Legolas

Does not fuck. It would mess up his hair. However, he almost certainly cuddles, carefully, when his hair is braided.

Frodo

Is too damaged to fuck. Maybe—maybe—he tries once, and starts weeping. If only he still had the ring, and could be invisible. The flicker of bleak hope that, somewhere in the dark, Sauron might be watching.

Leah Schnelbach is happy to take responsibility for this post, but wants to point out that this sucker was a team effort. Come express your outrage on Twitter!