Yes, I admit it—I never watched The Clone Wars. (Bad fan, no Wookiee cookie.) Mainly because there was no easy access to it, and my patience is very thin waiting for half-hour shows week to week. I can do hour-long doses, but anything less and I start to get cagey and brusque. So I figured that eventually the show would be over and I could catch up. And then the whole thing landed on Netflix and the time had come.
Being real honest here: I was not expecting to like it all that much.
Being more honest here: …I like it so very much.
So I ended up liveblogging the experience on Facebook because I was sitting in my apartment alone on the weekend and that seemed the best use of my time. (I still shouted at the television, don’t worry.) And then I figured that it might be fun to share for those of you who already know what’s going on—thereby allowing you to enjoy my ignorance.
The first episodes I found to be a little rocky (as is common with new shows), so I had less to say about them. But here is the breakdown of my binge of season one!
FYI: This is just me talking, so it’s a little punchier than what you usually get from me, and there are CURSE WORDS.
Opening Episodes 1-6:
Binging on The Clone Wars and by far the best thing about this ridiculous show is that Obi-Wan Kenobi continues to be the sassiest motherfucker in the galaxy. (Also Anakin and Padmé flirting like real people?! I thought they were only allowed to speak in clichés? So confused.)
Like, Obi-Wan’s making saucy jokes about Padmé “knowing her way around” space ships. Why weren’t the prequels like this?
Omg Republic radio with dance music.
Clone trooper just got eaten by a giant eel. One of them asks what the hell was that, and his buddy says, “It was a giant eel. That why we have the order not to go outside.” This is amazing.
Ahsoka, please explain what a “mynock minute” is.
Obi-Wan is being a droid racist, General Grievous is basically comic relief, and Anakin spends all his time pulling an “I DO WHAT I WANT THOR” whenever people give him a directive.
Also every episode starts with weird fortune cookie advice? It’s hilarious.
Duel of the Droids:
Aaaand a clone trooper just parachuted off a ship with an R3 unit strapped to his chest. Like a baby in a papoose.
Aw, shit DROID FIGHT!
FIGHT DIRTY, R2. FIGHT LIKE ROCKY TAUGHT YOU.
Bombad Jedi:
Aaaaahhh, Jar Jar is like “Why is there a Jedi robe in Padmé’s closet” and 3PO’s all, “Pfft, whaaaaaat? I don’t know—what could that even be doing here? What a MYSTERY.”
I think he’s subtly trying to get Jar Jar killed. That’s how protocol droids roll.
Cloak of Darkness:
What? An episode of just lady Jedi? All the ladies together fighting and doing stuff? Star Lady Wars? It can be done?
You just knew dude with Reverse Flock of Seagulls hair had to be bad news.
Lair of Grievous:
KIT FISTO! There you are!
I want an adorable over-zealous Mon Calamari apprentice.
So General Grievous kind of has his own Cabin in the Woods. Except it’s more like a castle. This is clearly going to end horribly.
Dooku Captured:
You know, Anakin, every time you take a crack at Obi-Wan for causing all your problems, you just sound like a disappointed housewife/husband.
GUNDARKS. Also, I think Obi-Wan’s snark is how he manages his Jedi PTSD. He wasn’t anywhere near this articulate as a Padawan.
(Why are people always offering Obi-Wan alcohol or drugs?)
That was the flyest poison swap I have ever seen. I am awed.
The Gungan General:
Jar Jar just totally buried that senator with the Staff of Ra.
“I would kill you both right now if I didn’t have to drag your bodies.” Here on the Outer Rim, they call him Count BUUUUUURN.
The dispersion of appropriated accents amongst various aliens is unbelievable.
Jedi Crash:
This show is so existential—whenever the clone troopers talk to each other, it just comes off as one guy talking to himself. Which it is.
All hail Rex—the one clone trooper with bleached hair, who must carry a bottle of peroxide with him into every battle.
Defenders of Peace:
Obligatory George Takei guest starring episode!
Apparently the ol’ “tie them up and knock them down” works on basically all evil mechanical forces.
If they have legs, that is.
Trespass:
“Just shut up.”—Obi-Wan actually winning at diplomacy.
Man, we got some serious blue male privilege in this episode. Can I make that a thing? Blue male privilege?
So that was an episode about a blue lady senator gaining her agency. Um, awesome.
The Hidden Enemy:
Damn, Asajj, stop flirting with Obi-Wan, it’s making him uncomfortable.
They’re fighting with BOOKS.
Clone strife! Clone freedom! Clone sadness!
Blue Shadow Virus:
Lady gungans are pink for some reason.
Obi-Wan just managed to distill the difference between him and Anakin down to a few words: Yeah, I’m freaking out too. I’m just hiding it. Maybe you should try that sometime.
HOW DOES NO ONE REALIZE THAT ANAKIN AND PADMÉ ARE MARRIED? IT IS THE MOST OBVIOUS THING.
Mystery of a Thousand Moons:
Jar Jar’s eyes inside a spacesuit helmet is the creepiest thing I’ve seen thus far.
Anakin’s “angel” planet is full of Audrey Twos, run by a Peter Pan wannabe who programmed a bunch of battledroids to be his servants? I approve.
Storm Over Ryloth/Innocents of Ryloth/Liberty on Ryloth:
Being a Twi’lek is literally the worst. Everyone just spends their time enslaving you and taking your food away and inhabiting your system.
And now these two clone troopers are going to adopt this little Twi’lek girl, right?
DOLLY FOR REFUGE TWI’LEK KID IMMA CRY.
Seriously, these troopers are gay-dopting this little kid. ~sniffles~
And Obi-Wan just made himself the godfather because OF COURSE HE DID.
Aw, her daddy’s alive! And he punched the mean commanding droid in the face! There are too many emotions. It is not okay.
I wonder if the sparkling wine (I am drinking) will make this smoother?
Mace Windu is in some early version of an AT-ST, so I started pondering the evolution of the vehicle, at which point Kelsey (my fiancée) called me a nerd.
The tactical droid in charge of Wat Tambor’s forces is terrifying with his monotone. Tambor continues to be ridiculous.
Damn, this Twi’lek freedom fighting leader is having none of the Republic’s shit.
Every time they make a suggestion of the battledroids having serious sentience, I feel really terrible.
Twi’lek compromise! Twi’lek freedom! Twi’lek parades!
Hostage Crisis:
Why do the Imperial guard have Roman legion helmets?
Aurra Sing! She killed you! She killed you super dead!
Oh, Anakin. So desperate for a sexy vacation. Shouldn’t have married a workaholic.
Um, you handed Padmé your lightsaber to prove you love her? Is there an extra level of innuendo that I’m missing here? (No. No there is not.)
And then Anakin hid under her desk to avoid Bail Organa. Because no one wants to deal with that guy.
Hey Padmé—gonna use that lightsaber on the meanies who kidnapped you and the other senators? (This innuendo just got real complicated.)
The Republic negotiates with terrorists all the time. No wonder it was so easy to overthrow.
“Anakin Skywalker. Not so impressive without your lightsaber, are you?” Well, sure, if you taze him into unconsciousness, I suppose he wouldn’t be that impressive.
Most ridiculous. Hutt voice. Ever.
Omg, he is Scarlett O’Hara the Hutt. Who did jail time.
Or maybe Blanche du Bois?
And that’s how season one ends. Well, that was… unexpected. Onto season two?
As you can see… I had some fun. And I’m already fairly far into season two so—again?
Emmet Asher-Perrin may talk to Obi-Wan in the screen as though he’s right in front of her. You can bug her on Twitter and read more of her work here and elsewhere.
