What do you get a medievalist for his (mumble)-second birthday?
A trip to the Middle Ages!
…Ish.
That’s right. My awesome wife—ahem, sorry, my lady—took me to Medieval Times, a dinner and entertainment show with “knights” and “swords” and … well, every noun in this article will probably need to be in quotation marks if I keep this up.
First off, I have to tell you that I had a blast.
I mean, part of that was because my wife is mega-amazing and totally out of my league—hell, I don’t think we play the same sport—but also—
Go Yellow Knight!
Okay, yeah, I know, it’s ridiculous. Medieval Times is incredibly non-historical, and the action is essentially fake knights doing WWE choreography of pulled punches and planned swings. Oops, I fell over! Oh, I fell over again!
Seriously, there was so much flopping I felt like I was watching a soccer match.
BUT, the fakery was still brilliant fun and impressive. Even the training of the horses was pretty amazing to see: as soon as someone dramatically dismounted fell, their loyal steed was like “Screw this!” and headed backstage. It was awesome.
Anyway, let me walk you through the experience.
First, you’ll need to find parking. Be sure to take pics with the advertising outside, and try not to ruin everyone’s experience by pointing out all the inaccuracies in the picture behind you.
Next, you’ve got to gain entrance to the castle. You’ll need to cross the drawbridge to do so.
Or not. I mean, there’s no moat, so you could just walk around the “bridge” on the grass … but if you’re gonna go to Medieval Times I’m gonna suggest you go whole hog on the experience.
Or half chicken, since that’s what’s for dinner.
But that’s still to come. And so much awaits you first!
There’s gift shops! Booze! Fake thrones! Trumpets! A ground-level “dungeon” with post-medieval torture devices! Gonna need more booze! Pre-game crowd hyping with speaker enhancements! ::hic:: Sitcom canned laughter and oooohs and aaaahs.
Anyway, after a period of forced browsing, you’re eventually ushered into the arena and over to an assigned table. Your “table” is color-coded, m’lord, as are your hats, which lets you know which knight you’ll be rooting for.
In our case, GO YELLOW KNIGHT!
And here he comes at last! He was introduced as the hero of Navarre, a medieval kingdom in the Basque region of the Pyrenees between modern France and Spain.
It will not shock you to hear that his coat of arms was not Navarrese. (My wife says they should get kudos for at least knowing the name of a medieval kingdom.)
Anyway, not only was the hero of “Navarre” our assigned man, but my wife reports that he was a rather handsome devil.
Though, in the interest of transparency, this may have been after he tossed her two flowers.
I don’t want to give you a false impression, though: I assure you that the Yellow Knight was a Good Guy. (Pro-tip: If you’re ever unsure about such things, follow the musical cues. #Vadersonthatship)
What’s for dinner during this extravaganza? Check your napkin for the menu and follow along as your self-styled “serving wench” brings out the courses of (we were told) dragon’s blood, dragon scales, rotisserie dragon … and Pepsi, the drink of medieval kings…
…which is where I honestly cried foul. I can put up with a lot of historical inaccuracies in my quasi-medievalish dinner shows (like New World taters), but we all know real kings drink Coke. ;)
They make a big deal out of eating everything with your fingers and not using utensils, despite the fact that medieval folks didn’t do it this way (it’s a Hollywood myth). But it was still fun in its way.
There was some half-boiled humor in the early going that could only be vaguely heard over the loudspeakers, and the food that came was pretty meh—but no one there came to Medieval Times for the comedy or the grub.
No, we came for the pageantry and such. And despite the action itself being choreographed and historically hilarious, it was a hell of a lot of fun.
I’ve heard stunt action like this being described as a kind of dance, but I think it’s something quite beyond that. Sure, there’s a kind of script in the planned choreography, but there’s also the constant presence of chance. A foot can slip in the sand, a blade can turn in the grip, a hold can be lost from a steed. The men have to be focused and engaged, and even within the flak jackets they’re wearing, they can take some substantial blows—crashing to the ground, in particular.
Partway through the evening, screens were lowered to protect the audience from flying debris, and that’s when the fun really began.
Sorry about the lack of great resolution (the dark plus the intervening screens made it tough on even the new iPhone X’s camera), but hopefully you can see the lances splintering into bitty bits of wood. (Real lances don’t shatter like this, but it sure makes for a better show—and a better movie in the case of A Knight’s Tale, which I’ll review soon.)
Then, when they dismounted, the knights would fight “to the death” using a variety of “medieval” weapons: sword, mace, halberd, and flail. This choreography was pretty intense, and there was a fair bit of sparking blades on impact (the result of grooving titanium edges, I suspect).
Favorites were chosen quickly, as the knights went down one by one.
The crowd seriously ate all this up. A pre-teen kid beside us (not ours) LOST HIS SHIT rooting for the Yellow Knight. He was screaming in bloodthirst, I tell you, totally ready to Hulk out. He was so pumped I think he would have eviscerated a stuffed Blue Knight if you would’ve given it to him.
No worries, though, as the Yellow Knight took the dastardly fellow out:
The Yellow Knight was victorious (Huzzah!), but then (Alack!) a rival king entered the arena in a frightful display of treachery (Hisssss!).
Here we see our man going into combat with two swords to take on this foe. (Despite a penalty for dual-wielding, he still rolled 20s, because he’s a Good Guy.)
Action! Drama! The crowd goes wild as the Good Guy wins!
All in all, it was a great time. The crowd was really appreciative of the cast during the curtain call:
And yeah, it was probably extra awesome since our Yellow Knight carried the day … though I got to take home the girl, so I really won!
Mike’s Medieval Ratings
Authenticity: 2/10 Pepsi or Diet Pepsi
Just Plain Fun: 9/10 Medieval Rally Towels
PS: It might be because we’d just seen Thor: Ragnarok, but this show would’ve killed with an ’80s soundtrack. I’m thinking Yellow Knight slashing to Europe’s “Final Countdown.” Hell yeah!
Michael Livingston is a Professor of Medieval Culture at The Citadel who has written extensively both on medieval history and on modern medievalism. His historical fantasy trilogy set in Ancient Rome, The Shards of Heaven, The Gates of Hell, and the newly released The Realms of God, is available from Tor Books.
I literally live in walking distance of one of those, but despite having lived there 10+ years now, still haven’t been to it. My wife and daughter have, but that was for a daycare summer activity.
I think I’ve avoided both because it’s a little pricey, and because of what I expected would be a lack of authenticity of any sort. Given that a medieval scholar enjoyed it despite that, I will add it to my to-do list.
My lord, Medieval Times is still around?? I went once in college, in 1979. It defines the word “cheesy!”
I went when I was 13, in 1993. Had a great time, even though I knew it was really fake. Don’t remember the protective screens, though. Maybe they installed them later, after someone got hurt, or almost got hurt. And I remember the food being tasty.
GO RED KNIGHT! (Although I didn’t lose my shit like that kid next to you.)
Loved your roleplaying game references, didn’t know you were a gamer. Cool.
@2: Yes, Medieval Times Dinner & Tournament (www.MedievalTimes.com) is still very much a going concern, with “castles” in nine locations, most of them NorAm east coast-ish.
In the same pseudo-historical vein there’s Pirates Dinner Adventure (www.PiratesDinnerAdventure.com, two locations) which has fewer horses (zero), more water, and a lot of audience participation — a race to toss purses to your pirate-mascot in the rigging, team rigging-hoisting (I got tapped for that), racing in dinghies; plus the cheering section competition. I’m in my mid-40s and I had as much fun as the kids, but I’m a novelty-seeker and appreciate stagecraft — I can’t say if it’s something that would reward repeat visits. But it’s definitely can’t be replicated on a home TV or VR headset.
We went to the New Jersey one around 15 years ago. At the time, they made a big deal about how we wouldn’t get forks (in order to be “historically correct”) but lo and behold, when the plate came, there was a potato. I see from your article that they’ve upped the ante by adding tomato and maize. We had a good time, though, despite the whiff of horse manure in the air during dinner.
Wow, there’s a pirate one too? Cool! As for horse manure, I grew up five blocks away from the place where my country’s biggest agricultural/livestock expo is held every year. We went there all the time, and I still go with my kid, and it’s traditional to eat at various food carts/restaurants, despite the ever present scent in the air. :)
I loved that place- only been once, for a friend’s birthday party, but we had a blast. My friend, who does not eat with her fingers (ever!) had to bribe the busboy for a fork.
3. MaGnUs You aged yourself!! You’re only a year older than I am. That’s probably why we agree on a fair amount of stuff. ;)
Dude, your wife is hot. Lucky man!
Yes, going to Medieval Times is a flipping a gloriously two-sided coin with cheese one side and fun on the other. And who you go with makes all the difference. Can’t wait to take my kid there when he’s a little older. This was my experience nine years ago. Sorta.
I went there, many decades ago, I remember nothing in particular about it.
@8 – Jason: Hah, yeah, even if I don’t mention my age, the references I make usually narrow it down. But I wish I agreed with most people my own age. Or they agreed with me. :)
@10 – JLSala: I very much wanted to take my son, who’s basically the same age I was when I went. We visited Florida last January, but the distance to where we were, the times, etc, I couldn’t make it work. But we did do several parks and Kennedy Space Center, and had a blast.
I went to one in California several years ago, for my 18th birthday, and I remember the food service being lousy but the entertainment being a lot of fun. Also made a trip to the Las Vegas equivalent, called the Tournament of Kings, which I thought was better on both counts. I’m not sure if they’re done by the same company. It’s a lot like a renaissance fair: an anachronistic mess, but a fun one.
I went once about 30 years ago and it was a lot of fun. There were a few things that weren’t choreographed, like tilting at quintains and lancing rings, just to show that the guys do have some skills. Our guy got taken out early in an underhanded way, but the black knight who showed up later and beat the bad guy turned out to be him, so we won!
Weren’t splintery lances introduced to tournaments at a very late stage and the whole point was more to break your lance than to unhorse your opponent? Basically after tourney skills weren’t really militarily relevant anymore and people realized it was probably a bad idea having your leadership run the risk of broken backs or death.
Sounds like a fun time, but I think your champion was hitting on your lady. Not that I blame the Yellow Knight. She’s a very pretty lady indeed.
I’m looking forward to A Knight’s Tale review!
Oh man – I went to one of these in middle school (1997ish) during our big Chicago trip. I remember we were so pumped about it, especially because we’d eat with our hands. So authentic!! LOL. (I never even thought about the fact that stuff like potatoes/tomatoes/corn aren’t even medieval, so funny…) We still drive past the one near Chicago frequently as it’s on the way when we drive to my parents’ for holidays. I don’t remember much else about the experience, except the commercialism and cheering for the jousters. :)
Also, your wife sounds like she has a great sense of humor :D
The blue knight was French, right?
@16, Michael should focus on trying to find something historically authentic in ‘A Knight’s Tale’ rather than all the things that are wrong. I love the movie but authentic it ain’t.
Re: tableware; you should bring your own knife if I recall medieval manners correctly and spoons were available for the runny dishes. Also you were supposed to use only three fingers and and make frequent use of the napkin thrown over your shoulder. And you shouldn’t feed the castle dogs and cats at the table and you should leave something on your trencher for the poor.
A bunch of us went to the NJ location for my baby brother’s 21st birthday. When the ‘lord’ read out the names of the guests of honor, he asked my brother what the occasion for celebration was:
“My liege, it is my 21st birthday.”
“GOOD LORD!”
The best line of the night was the waitress’ response when one of my brother’s friends asked her if he could call her ‘wench’: “You can do that in here, but do it in the parking lot, and we have a problem.”
You’re one lucky man.
@@@@@21 Kirth- LOL @@@@@ the wench thing.
@13 Yep I have done Tournament of Kings at the Excalibur in Vegas several times and always had a blast. Considering the cost of shows in Vegas these days it is very reasonably priced and just a fun and somewhat silly way to escape all the Vegas BS :)
Some castles here in Germany offer medieval dinners, but they actually use medieval recipes. Many castles have regular castle festivals and in some towns there are medieval markets. Both usually include show fights between knights and sometimes tournaments with horses.
About 15 years ago in Toronto while celebrating our anniversary, my wife and I went to Medieval Times on a lark. It was a hoot, maybe the highlight of the trip. We weren’t expecting much but had a great time. Our knight won the tournament, but then betrayed the King and led a rebellion against him. My wife especially enjoyed the falconry demonstrations after the pageantry began. It’s also interesting to look at the employment opportunities at their Medieval Times websites. The show may be completely unauthentic, but the actors know their stuff.
I was wondering why you both looked familiar, then I saw the date. I was a bartender there at the time. I was probably your bartender. I’m glad you had a great time!