I wish all programming on HBO last night had a theme to go along with the premiere of its new series, The Leftovers. If only everyone not Lafayette or Pam could mysteriously disappear from True Blood. Then we might have a really entertaining show.
It wasn’t all bad: a much-missed Nordic vampire bookended the hour. And… well, yeah, those were pretty much the only good bits.
Strangely not vanishing from True Blood? Viewers. Last week’s season premiere was down from the year prior, but still considered a solid performer for the show. We are all in this hate-watch together, friends.
Spoilers ahead. If you care about that kind of thing.
Sookie
Everything is about Sookie. Even dead girls she’s never met are really just about Sookie. Dead girls Sookie trips over are unimportant until Sookie decides, hours later, to mention the dead girl to the police, inspiring a trip to the dead girl’s ghost town and the dead girl’s diary. Which really just serves as a reminder that this dead girl was really just Sookie’s motivation to save her town and also to get back together with Bill. Because when everything’s about Sookie, it’s also about Sookie’s self-imposed relationship bullshit. And Bill.
I mean, I get that Sookie’s the main character, but does she have to be such a self-absorbed bimbo? She’s going to look back on her first meeting with Bill with fond nostalgia after all of the shit and lies he put her through? That relationship begun under false pretenses warrants a never-before-seen memory of Sookie excitedly getting ready for her first trip to Fangtasia? Or was it just to laugh at how Sookie spun Wonder Woman-like to get into her sundress?
All I took away from Sookie this week is that she will be fangbangin’ Bill in about two episodes. Hooray for final season fan service?
Alcide
Just keep driving away from Bon Temps before Sookie gets you killed. Don’t slow down the truck to let Sookie out. Just dump her on the side of the road next to her outdated smartphone.
Sheriff Andy
Why doesn’t he think to check the vampire nightclub in the next town over for the missing townsfolk? You know, the place vampires built to be a sanctuary from sunlight and persecution? Where Lafayette was held captive for half a season that one time?
I really hate the Vincent and the Neighborhood Watch crew, especially that woman who seems to have preternatural powers of persuasion. It’s like Hannibal Lecter-levels of creepy. Only really obviously only in service of making characters do dumb things for the sake of the plot. Seriously? A few mocking words was all it took for Kenya to abandon her post and let the townsfolk get some guns?
Remember when True Blood actually was a bit of a satire and made some biting social commentary? Pun intended. I was really expecting one of the idiot would-be rioters playing with loaded guns to accidentally shoot themselves. But nope. No consequences. The freshest political jab this show can muster is a half-hearted swipe at FEMA’s poor management.
Jessica
Adilyn’s bite mark didn’t heal. Does that mean Jessica’s infected, too? It makes me really worry for the fates of my two favorite vampires when they stop sleeping with one of the Stackhouse siblings.
Jason
Please. Only in his dreams would Eric be a bottom.
Arlene
After five and a half seasons of being a screeching bigot, this newer, more level-headed Arlene was the MVP of the night. (After shirtless Eric.) Her pleading for mercy from her kids’ fourth grade teacher was a teeny glimpse of the tongue-in-cheek small town fun this show used to be about. Even including when said teacher melted into a pile of vampire goo while she was drinking Arlene. Now what’s Arlene’s Plan B?
Willa
Am I really going to have to acknowledge her existence every week since she seems to be enabling Lettie Mae’s addiction? Is Tara’s mom just a V addict or is there something more going on with her visions of Tara? I still can’t fully believe that Tara is dead-dead. And that it happened offscreen.
Pam
Wasn’t expecting her to find Eric so fast, but I’m glad she did. But with Eric being infected, how much time could he have left?
Next week: True Blood stops for no federal holiday. Expect more Bill and Sookie madness. And boobs. Probably.
True Blood airs Sunday nights at 9 PM E/PT on HBO.
Theresa DeLucci is a regular contributor to Tor.com, covering True Blood, Game of Thrones, and gaming news. She’s also the resident Hannibal fannibal at Boing Boing. Follow her on Twitter @tdelucci
