Really, True Blood?
I guess you get the television you deserve. If you’re lazily watching a formerly enjoyably sexy soap opera limp towards its end game, you shouldn’t be mad when said show’s actual writers feel lazy, too.
But still, last night’s hour was so weak, I felt as if I’d been trolled. By a TV show. As in, oh, sweet summer child, you thought you already knew all the ways in which True Blood can be awful? Well, watch what passes for closure in Bon Temps!
Sad trombones and spoilers after the fold.
Alcide
In an evening of true deaths—Maxine Fortenberry! That caveman-looking resident from Grey’s Anatomy, I think—Alcide’s was the most stupid. I mean, I knew he had to die to get out of the way of Sookie and her one true love, Bill. But a part of me still hoped he’d be smart and just tell Sookie to go fuck herself, and Bill if she wants to so badly, and last see Bon Temps as it grew smaller and smaller in his rearview mirror. He almost did.
Alas, he died how he lived—naked and caught in the crossfire of one of Sookie’s massively stupid battle plans. He was better than that. Joe Manganiello’s abs were better than that. A moment of silence for those abs. Truly these are the last days of True Blood.
Tara
Okay, so, Pam really did feel Tara die during the season premiere? Holy shit, Tara is really, really dead? And it happened offscreen?! What in the fuck—True Blood, I hate you so much right now.
Eric
The best part of Eric’s scenes was definitely his 80s hairdo.
As much as I enjoyed watching Alexander Skarsgard naked in a French vineyard, the whole Sylvie storyline was kind of a non-starter. Again, we meet a new character we’re told is super important to Eric, like Nora, and it just amounts to a big so what? If Sylvie was so dear to him, why did he never speak about her? Is it some big deal that she was a smokin’ hot human? Why wouldn’t Eric turn her before the Authority even turned up?
I guess the biggest deal was that Eric chose Pam’s life over Sylvie’s when he was forced to and I guess that was supposed to make his later release of Pam more poignant, but we’ve seen Pam and Eric do this “I won’t leave you” dance as recently as last season’s finale. So it just didn’t have a lot of weight for me.
Willa
Can I rescind her invitation from my TV screen? Because I never actually invited her onto my TV screen in the first place and I certainly don’t care about her. She’s out-Arlene’d Arlene.
Lafayette and James
As much as I want to like the idea of Lala and Jessica and James having a big ol’ love triangle, I could do with a bit more chemistry here. But it was great to see Lafayette dance again. And if James can’t swallow pills, why was he acting high after Lafayette partook of some chemicals? A really good memory? Is Lafayette’s good mood contagious? And how long has James been feeling ignored by Jessica? She stood watch outside of Andy’s house only three nights ago or something. Maybe James is just looking for an excuse. I just can’t wait to see Jessica find out.
Still, the award for most awkward couple goes to…
Jason and Violet
“We’re in the middle of a fight! Fuck off!” Well, I like Violet’s refreshing honesty. But only on TV. Being around a tense, arguing couple in real life is really uncomfortable. Maybe Violet will break up with Jason because he’s not the manly man she wants and James will break up with Jessica because she’s not the manly man he wants, and Jason and Jessica can hook up again. Because, you know, everyone’s got to be with someone on this show, right?
However, once Bon Temps’ most notorious playboy is getting an urge for babies, there might be something or someone else in the cards for this Stackhouse.
Sookie and Bill
It’s inevitable. Just hook up and let this show be over. That was the dumbest plan. Let’s just make Sookie stand in a field as bait while a lone vampire watches her from a tree. And it worked. This final season is shaping up to be just as bad as Dexter’s, especially in the logic department. But as long as I don’t feel completely cheated emotionally, I won’t be able to stay mad at True Blood.
Sarah Newlin
Okay, I don’t think anyone was clamoring for her to be back after she kind of wore out her welcome last year, but, whatever. I did like the surprise of seeing her in yoga class in that opening. Too bad her guru couldn’t stick around a little longer. I hope her newfound Eastern religious experience makes her just as scarily earnest and easily lampoon-able as her former Christianity did.
Next week: Maybe I won’t fall asleep during Sam’s scenes.
True Blood airs Sunday nights at 9 PM E/PT on HBO.
Theresa DeLucci is a regular contributor to Tor.com, covering True Blood, Game of Thrones, and gaming news. She’s also the resident Hannibal fannibal at Boing Boing. Follow her on Twitter @tdelucci
