How do we handle a vampire infestation? A lot of witches, one very confused follower of Om, and some Nac mac Feegle.
Summary
Once he’s been given brose, Verence is difficult to control and charges out of the Feegle camp. They head after him to keep him safe. Granny wakes and tells Oats that she feels fine; their mule has run off, so she insists they continue on foot. Agnes is in Escrow with Vlad and the rest of his family, and they’re explaining the system there, how the children become part of the blood lottery once they turn twelve. Agnes is trying to think what she can do to stop any of it while she still knows right from wrong, but Lacrimosa starts an argument with her father; she wants to know if they’ll have to listen to him forever. Suddenly, vampires aren’t feeling well, and they start to sway. The Count and Lacrimosa blame Agnes, certain that Granny is somewhere in her. Agnes hits Lacrimosa, and that single punch gives the townspeople hope enough to rise up and start striking at the vampires. Vlad lunges at Agnes in the ensuing fight. Granny and Oats talk about religion, and Granny tells him that if she ever really believed, she’d do nothing but work for her faith, and that would be far worse than not believing. Oats is inclined to agree and helps Granny out of a bog. Death and Binky are following them at a close distance. Agnes wakes and finds a villager about to murder her, thinking she’s been turned into a vampire. She has been bitten, but she convinces them she’s normal by asking for tea. They only killed two of the vampires, though—the rest fled.
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Even Though I Knew the End
Jason and Shawn are trying to break into the castle to take it back when Verence shows up (with the Nac Mac Feegle) and tries to have a go at it himself. The Magpyr family are arguing as they head home, trying to decide who Granny borrowed to menace them and what they should do about Escrow to stop other humans from getting ideas. As they approach the Uberwald castle, Igor begins to pelt them with special armaments, devised by himself and Nanny. They seem to be working so the Magpyrs influence the weather to get them to back off. Nanny and Igor head back to the castle, while the Count decides that they should kill everyone and start their whole plan over once this particular set of people are out of the way… but he’s beginning to wonder if Granny hasn’t gotten into his head too. Greebo kills a vampire who tries to sleep on him. Oats gets Granny to the castle, and has finally realized that the bird Granny took with them is the second phoenix. She claims it knows what the vampires did to its sibling, and phoenixes don’t tolerate evil. Nanny and Igor have just run out of armaments when the phoenix morphs into its true form and starts burning vampires to a crisp. The Count is determined that they should still be able to survive, but all the holy symbols are beginning to hurt them, and Granny is in their heads because they’re all craving tea. Agnes brings all the Escrow villagers to the castle.
The witches reunite and Nanny assures them that Magrat and the baby are safe behind a heavy cellar door… but Oats points out that he’s always heard vampires could turn into mist. Nanny, Agnes, and Igor rush to her aid. Magrat traps the Countess, who comes in through the keyhole, in a jar full of lemons and garlic and throws them down the well. Then the Count impersonates Nanny, but doesn’t know her jokes, so he breaks down the door. When Nanny, Agnes, and Igor arrive they find Scraps dead and no sign of Magrat or the baby. They realize that the Magpyrs won’t run away because they’re all thinking like Granny, and Granny loves a showdown. Sure enough, everyone is gathering by the castle organ for the showdown, Granny with a cup of tea. Igor goes down into the crypt to the coffin of the old Magpyr count and nicks his hand so blood falls into it; a mist rises from the coffin. Granny tells the Magpyrs that they get to choose justice or mercy. Mercy is them giving baby Esme back to Magrat and having their heads chopped off. She points out that she didn’t get their heads because she didn’t need to—they drank her blood and invited her in. The old Count materializes behind his family, and the current Count tries to run with Magrat and the baby, but Oats shows up behind him with an ax that isn’t holy, and fixes that by using it to cut off the Count’s head.
Granny insists that the old Count teach his family stupidity, and tells the villagers to take the new Count to the crypt and let him think on his mistakes for the next fifty years. They turn into a flock of magpies and fly off, but not before the old Count tells Granny that he knew her grandmother and she staked him, which pleases Granny because it means her grandmother never went dark. Verence shows up with the Nac mac Feegle and Granny tells Oats that they have to let the king save the day, despite it already being saved. Oats thanks her because now everywhere he looks he sees holy things. Back in Lancre, a congregation shows up for Oats and he runs a service for them. The king assumes that he’s staying, but Oats tells Verence that he plans to continue to Uberwald, feeling that he’s needed there. They’ve made him a gold amulet in the shape of a double-sided ax to replace his turtle amulet. Agnes gives him a poultice for his boil and a phoenix feather in a jar from Granny. Far away in Uberwald, Igor brings Scraps back to life, which is good because that’s the only way Death is getting his scythe back. Granny makes a sign for herself that says “I still ate’nt dead” and borrows the mind of an owl to go wandering.
Commentary
Oh wow, okay, so last time I completely missed that this whole book turns on invitations.
Granny is hurt because she thinks she hasn’t been invited to the baby’s naming, but the Magpyrs are invited and this is how they get in and cause all the trouble in Lancre. The Nac mac Feegle have their standing yearly invitation with Nanny and her liquor cabinet. Oats comes to this because he’s invited when the usual priest is unavailable. Everything turns out all right in the end because by drinking Granny’s blood, the vampires invited her in to mess with them.
And by those turns, part of what this book is showing us is that you invite your own troubles, but also your own growth. Invitations, what to do once you’ve received them, that’s all playing into Granny’s thoughts throughout about choosing and how that’s what life is. Because ultimately, answering invitations present us with choices, even in the most mundane terms—are you coming and are you bringing a friend? Are you staying in the hotel block or making your own arrangements? Chicken or fish or steak? Invitations set parameters, and boundaries in effect. They make expectations known.
Part of Granny’s upset at thinking she wasn’t invited to the baby’s naming was in having a choice removed from her, having her expectations crushed. And part of the problem with the Magpyrs is that they believe they should get invitations on demand. Escrow is a testament to that, what happens when you believe yourself above invitation; it turns people into things, as Agnes promptly notes.
Because at their core, invitations are about consent.
I mean, that sounds dramatic, yes, but it’s plainly true—an invitation is the system by which we let people know what we’re consenting to. We want you to witness this sacred occasion with our family; you have permission to drink my booze; yes, you can touch me there, but not here. Consent is fundamental to humanity, so it’s hardly surprising that this set of vampires believe themselves to be above the concept. After all, it’s the last bit of “superstition” that the Count is trying to wean them off of, so they have full run of the world.
And that’s why the way that Granny beats them is so good—she turns that lack of respect for the consent of others back onto them. She loopholes their own loophole. And while she’s at it, she strengthens Oats’ faith by forcing him to reckon with the divine in everything. While drinking tea that’s actually mud with water in it because there was no tea.
And even after all that, she still worries about going bad, and feels better for knowing that her grandmother staked the old Count rather than giving over to him. That and the phoenix and how well Oats is doing help her head home and return to life as usual. Which is, after all, the only thing that Granny truly wants. And we should be glad for that, because the other option is what the Magpyrs got.
Justice or mercy.
Asides and little thoughts:
- I do love the fact that Greebo can kill vampires, and we don’t know if this is a cat power, or just something he’s particularly adept at.
- “Well? Even allegories have to live,” says Granny Weatherwax of the phoenix, and y’know, I’ll be thinking of that one for a long while.
- Granny’s snore has never been “tamed” because she’s never lived with another person, which is precisely how it works, if my constant nudging of my own partner is anything to go by.
Pratchettisms:
People were good at imagining hells, and some they occupied while they were alive.
And once one boot has said goodbye in a peat bog, the other one is bound to follow out of fraternal solidarity.
As the eye of narrative drew back from the coffin on its stand, two things happened.
“So… they can’t turn themselves into some sort of mist, then?” said Oats, frying in the joint radiation of their stares.
“It’s a thing that is,” said Granny sharply. “Don’t go spilling allegory all down your shirt.”
At a respectable distance, the coach was followed by a cart containing the witches, although what it contained mostly was snore.
The light faded from can to can’t.
We’re taking a break next week, and then we’re back with The Fifth Elephant! We’ll read up to:
“His walk. And he didn’t catch an orange,” said Vimes. “Mhm. Mhm.”
