Hark ye now this tale of a pirate, the most fearsome pirate in all the seas, a brigand named Sir Jerry of Bruckheimer. This salty dog had been the terror of the seas for nigh onto twoscore years, robbing land-bound “moviegoers” of their day’s wage with such villainy as Con Air and Coyote Ugly. But lo! Such plunder no longer was enough for Sir Jerry. He cared not to own some of the gold…he thirsted for it all.
Uncloaking his true face to an unsuspecting world, the brigand produced a “movie” (think you of the darkest kinds of black magic, with pictures and words and whole illusory worlds) called Pirates of the Caribbean. And then another. And then, the number three being fraught with magic, a third.
But Sir Jerry’s gluttony for gold knew no bounds. He said unto his darkened soul, “I needs must make a fourth.” Look you upon this. If ye be brave, your eye unflinching, your heart hardened to evil. If scribes among you be, leave your thoughts upon this monstrosity (which has not the dignity even to count among its players the maiden Keira Knightley nor the squire Orlando Bloom, though the master mummer Johnny Depp be still at the helm)…
Danny Bowes is a playwright, filmmaker and blogger. He is also a contributor to nytheatre.com and Premiere.com.
