I hate Christmas. It’s a huge stressful occasion in which we are all expected to put on multiple emotional performances, all of which must appear to our friends and family to be completely genuine, and which are supposed to inspire similar performances from the people around us. This is easy if your feelings are genuine, but it’s hell if anything is going on in your life that stands in the way of your unchecked happiness. The Christmas Spirit is a lot of pressure.
Paradoxically, I love Christmas movies. They ARE performances. Performers, who were paid for their work, performed on camera for me to watch when it gets dark, which is approximately twelve minutes after I get out of work at this time of year. I can feel things or not—totally up to me, no pressure. The trailer for The Knight Before Christmas made me fairly certain I was going to feel a lot of things. And I was not wrong.
The film features Vanessa Hudgens and Josh Whitehouse. Hudgens first came to my attention when she appeared in High School Musical in 2006. Last year, she starred in Netflix’s runaway holiday hit The Princess Switch. That movie was SFF in a very gentle sense because it featured a scene in which a character used a stand mixer to puree fruit, which was then added to a cake that was already decorated with fondant. A Knight Before Christmas is much more obviously SFF because there is time travel. Josh Whitehouse has never before crossed my radar; I understand he had a role in the BBC series Poldark, which I have not seen.
The plot of this thing is a chaotic blend of holidays, happiness, and the limitations I presume were imposed by Netflix’s budget. The film opens in Norwich, England in 1344. (That’s during the Truce of Malestroit in the early-ish days of the Hundred Years War.) There’s a Christmas hawking competition. Josh Whitehouse’s character—Sir Cole—is taking part. He’s wearing armor (so necessary for hawking). There is only one hawk involved in this competitive hawking event.
The film also opens in Bracebridge, Ohio, where Vanessa Hudgens’s character, Brooke, is talking to a kid about her midterms. Kid tanked the exam because of a bad breakup. Brooke tells her that true love is a fantasy and those feelings are less important than your GPA. This is a pretty harsh standard. Feelings happen! They aren’t always convenient! And a midterm is one test on one day—it’s not a measure of everything a person knows, is, or will ever be. Also, Brooke’s classroom has furniture for approximately 20 students. Bracebridge is doing a great job with class size.
Deep in the forest of 14th century Norwich, Cole meets an older woman who is cold despite wearing a huge collection of cloaks. He offers her a ride back to the castle. She’s so grateful she promises him he’s going to get to watch TV (“the magic box that makes merry”), but she enigmatically declines the lift and tells him that he needs to fulfill a quest before midnight on Christmas Eve or never become a true knight. It looked to me like Cole was a knight already and this woman has interrupted him in the middle of his chivalrous knightly offer of practical assistance to inform him that he’s crap at his job and can only get better by jumping through some arbitrary and as-yet-unidentified hoops. So Christmas-y! And then he’s enveloped in blue fog and his (quite nice-looking) horse gallops off alone back to the castle without him.
Cole finds himself in Bracebridge, where the Christmas Fair is playing a creepy version of Tchaikovsky’s Nutcracker. The weird lady from the woods has bobbed her hair and is dressed as Mrs. Claus. Brooke is there with her niece, who is planning to ask Santa for a puppy. Brooke’s ex is also present. Mrs. Claus calls Brooke’s niece precious, and the kiddo asks for a new boyfriend for her aunt in addition to the puppy. Cole approaches Mrs. Claus, but suddenly she’s replaced by someone else with an entirely different hairstyle. HOW MYSTERIOUS. And then Brooke accidentally spills hot chocolate on him, and it’s his first encounter with chocolate ever because chocolate is an American agricultural product and no one in 14th century England had ever had any, let alone combined it with sugar. He’s stunned by the deliciousness of the trace amount of hot chocolate he has now licked off a metal gauntlet after wiping it off his chain mail. Indeed, this age is full of wonders.
Brooke and Cole part ways, but are reunited when Brooke hits Cole with her car. At the hospital, an MRI shows that he’s fine, despite his apparent disorientation. He insists on being called Sir Cole, possibly because of the way Mrs. Claus impugned his professionalism earlier. Brooke’s police officer friend, Arthur, who knew Brooke’s dad, is planning to take Sir Disoriented back to the station to sleep off his delusional beliefs about being from the 14th century but Cole says he would prefer to sleep under a tree. Brooke offers her guest house as a compromise. At Brooke’s house, Cole takes a bath, puts on her ex-boyfriend’s ugly Christmas sweater, starts a bonfire in her backyard and tries hunting a skunk with his sword. Oh, Netflix. Brooke takes him to a diner where he goes all Thor over hot chocolate.
Fun facts:
- Sir Cole was knighted by King Edward III six years ago. Probably in preparation for fighting in France.
- Cole never, ever mentions fighting in France. Not once.
- He calls Brooke’s ex The Douche on all occasions, and offers to defend her honor with his sword.
- Cole talks trash pretty loudly for a guy drinking hot chocs in a diner.
Back at Brooke’s guest house, Cole tries to figure out this Brave New World and what his quest might be. How? He LITERALLY WATCHES another Netflix holiday movie on TV. (It’s Holiday in the Wild, which I have TOTALLY BEEN PLANNING TO WATCH, not because I want to see Rob Lowe’s abs, which I understand are featured, but to evaluate Netflix’s ability to work a plot around a sick and orphaned baby elephant. I’ve held off because I need to reach out to some family members about how much it costs to film baby elephants. Christmas is all about reconnecting with family.) The next day, Cole persuades Brooke to spend the entire day watching more Netflix with him, and it’s the first day of school break so, of course, she does. I feel really seen and understood.
The most exciting aspect of this film is the revelation that all the Netflix holiday movies (with the possible exception of Holiday in the Wild) exist within a single cinematic universe. Brooke’s sister shows her daughter an enormous acorn ornament that their parents picked up on a trip to Aldovia, home of another series of Netflix Holiday movies: A Christmas Prince, A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding, and this year’s A Christmas Prince: The Royal Baby (coming up in early December). There’s also a scene about banana nut muffins that is definitely ringing a bell with something I watched last year. In fairness to other aspects of the movie, Cole looks great in sweaters, and Brooke’s sister seems compelled to provide him with an infinite supply. Cole is especially cute when he’s sneaking hot chocolate into Brooke’s shopping cart like a naughty toddler (she’s momentarily distracted by the student from the opening scene who accosts her in the supermarket to ask for extra credit). Cole further endears himself by having strong opinions about bread, and then making a ton of it from scratch.
But Cole isn’t always my favorite guy. He criticizes Brooke’s artificial Christmas tree and insists on a real one. (“Fuck you, Cole!” —a message from allergy sufferers everywhere.) Then he asks if Brooke’s ex, The Douche, has ruined her. But before we can explore the clash between 14th- and 21st-century sexual mores, he asks to borrow her car. AND SHE’S COOL WITH THAT. He has never ever claimed to be a licensed driver! Never! At all! He calls the car a steed! He knows literally nothing about Ohio’s traffic laws! At least practice in a parking lot first!
Here’s what else we could live without:
- Slut-shaming. This was a theme in The Princess Switch as well. It’s sloppy writing. There are a lot of ways to create or explain tension between two female characters—it doesn’t always have to be about someone sleeping with someone else years ago when they were in school.
- Plots built around people somehow failing to notice that they could help other people. The royal family of Aldovia just got clued in to the PR benefits of doing charity work. And the good people of Bracebridge who already run an annual charity benefit at the holidays need the help of a knight from 14th-century England to point out that a recently widowed father of four who works two jobs is struggling to make ends meet.
The most serious issue here is a subplot about police as twenty-first century knights that falls flat because the film doesn’t spend enough time building the relationship between Cole and Arthur, the police officer. Arthur has some understandable concerns about what he sees as Cole’s persistent delusions about being from the 14th century. It’s not clear whether Cole admires Arthur on a personal level or is just jealous of his job. Cole isn’t sure what’s going to happen in his personal future, and he’s the kind of guy who hacks up someone’s Christmas decorations for sword practice. However you feel about law enforcement, I think it’s hard to argue that Cole should be entrusted with its duties or privileges. And I’m extremely uncomfortable with the scene where Cole body slams a teenage pickpocket and then proposes killing him to spare the hangman the rope. Threats of extrajudicial killing are not good reflections of the Holiday Spirit.
So when Cole disappears in another cloud of blue fog, I was perfectly happy to see him go. My hope was that Brooke’s time with Cole would help her recognize how much she admires the knightly qualities she sees in Arthur (whose work seems to focus more on public safety and community outreach than body slamming teenagers) and we’d wind up with a cute little teacher/cop romance. Or something. But no. Brooke faces a sad Christmas morning with a great big lump of No Cole in her stocking. Her sister tries to get her to talk about it, but everyone is distracted because Brooke’s niece has gotten a surprise puppy from neither of her parents. (The kid says it’s Christmas Magic while the adults in the household try to figure out what asshole is distributing puppies.) Meanwhile, back in 14th-century England, Cole tells his brother that he’s in love and has left a woman behind. His brother sends him off to tend to the important matters of the heart and find his Fair Lady. Cole finds the old woman, who sends him back to the twenty-first century again to become a cop in suburban Ohio. Or maybe a baker. That’s also mentioned as a possibility.
Cole’s brother is excited to be a knight and the crone does something mysterious to him in the credits, so one day we’ll have a team of time-traveling knights working together to save Christmas with their baking skills and perhaps a little sword-fighting in sweaters. And hopefully not with their work in law enforcement.
Ellen Cheeseman-Meyer teaches history and reads a lot.
This looks horrendous. A SF version of a Hallmark movie.
@1 we could only wish it were that good. But, no, it doesn’t even manage that little.
“I hate Christmas. “
Someone should make a movie about a woman who hates Christmas and is Changed by the Season where she finds the Perfect Princess or something.
My favorite part is how Cole always refers to the woman as Old Crone, even when being polite to her which she seems perfectly fine with.
Also was I the only one surprised when the Santa in the present didn’t turn out to be magical and in on it? Like I thought he would tell the little girl he hoped she liked their puppy and wink or something.
Christmas is what you choose to make of it. Toss out the toxic people and events and concentrate on how you and those you love can enjoy it. This takes a metal spine, but it’s worth the effort.
I saw THE MAN WHO INVENTED CHRISTMAS a few days ago about Charles Dickens’ conception and creation of A CHRISTMAS CAROL. It’s an excellent movie to suggest when people who don’t write want to understand the creative process.
Thank you so much for this, I laughed all the way through. And wasn’t it lucky for Cole that the mysterious Old Crone was thoughtful enough to supply him with modern English (as well as bread-making experience) while he was on his way to Ohio?
Since I am never going to see this movie and the review doesn’t mention it, how does the movie deal with the language issue? The 14th century was well before the transition from Middle English into Modern English, and many vowels were pronounced substantially differently than what we’re used to.
@1 and 2, in terms of overall quality – Cheesy Christmas movies, in my experience, often reward social watching. They are beautiful targets for snark, and offer a low-energy opportunity for pointing the family’s horns outwards during a demanding season. I cannot claim this is a good movie, but I will say that I watched it with an otherwise bored kid, we mocked it all the way through (“Your mittens are especially useless if you don’t put them on!” “Where did all this designer menswear come from?” “Were any of those decorations plugged in?”), and we had a great time.
@@.-@ – I have some questions about Cole’s identification of the woman in the woods as a crone. By modern standards, she looks about 50, and like she’s religious about sunscreen. By 14th century standards, she is a miraculous being who has white hair, but otherwise appears amazingly youthful.
@6 and 7 – Per the movie, Cole learned modern vernacular by binge-watching Netfilx all night in Brooke’s guest house. I don’t know how he got the Modern English, but I infer that the movie would like you to treat that the same way it treats the Hundred Years War.
@7 The big thing to stress here is that Cole is incredibly chill about everything. He’s able to figure out how to use Netflix on his own, drives a car (not well, but he doesn’t crash),is able to bake using a modern kitchen, isn’t weirded out by people of other races and religions, etc. He starts out speaking like someone at a Ren Faire and after a netflix binge he can do an American accent.
@EllenMCM, your opening paragraph made me feel seen and understood.
May the Force be with us all during this season of darkness, cold, flu, school midterms, workplace gift exchanges and “holiday parties”, buyer’s remorse, FOMO, and doing all of Santa’s work for none of the credit if you have kids who believe in the magic.
I heartily recommend the original Lifetime movie Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever, featuring the voice talent of Aubrey Plaza aka April from Parks and Rec. Snarktastic.
If you want a realistic (and hilarious) time travel movie, try The Visitors (1993). Those knights are NOT eye candy.
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0108500/
I just wanted to point out that a 13th century English knight would not be speaking a language comprehensible to most English speaking people. This is the time of Chaucer, and Middle English was spoken. It bears a passing resemblance to what is spoken today, no more.
I thought the movie was bland and rather silly, but no one in my household expected anything resembling veracity.
Cole would not be speaking Modern English, for sure. He would also no know how to use any bathroom fixtures, and would probably have radically different ideas of table manners. That he’s muscular isn’t surprising; “knight” was a physicality demanding job held by people who would be both well-nourished and motivated to keep in good condition. After all, English politics in the 14th Century was a full-body, contact sport, with swords and spear
Nothing you said here is wrong. I’ve been watching some Lifetime and Hallmark Christmas movies and they always make me smile, except for the one with Ernest Borgnine dying, and Netflix is just pretty bad in comparison. I just read that sentence over and realized how it sounds.
This is my first year for watching Lifetime etc Christmas movies. I decided to try some because they were enthusiastically endorsed by my little brother, who I wouldn’t have thought would be caught dead watching them. So I watched a couple of Lifetime ones and a few more Hallmark ones and I actually enjoyed them if you ignore a couple of the stupid plot points that get them going. I was pleased that some of the romances have been interracial, and that relationships other than cis het were positively featured even though they weren’t the main couples. And frankly in the better ones the people are human (in terms of character development) and I ended up rooting for them to find some happiness.
But the Netflix ones are just subpar. The pacing is off, the characters are mostly cartoonish and not at all relatable, the editing is terrible, and the story doesn’t ask you to accept one impossible thing, it asks you to accept every impossible thing every few minutes.
I know these are Christmas romances, and they’re supposed to be extra sappy and fluffy topped with colored sprinkled sugar, and they’re not meant to bear examination. And that’s kind of why I like them, because I can just let my mind go and giggle like an idiot. But it doesn’t mean that I am an idiot. Step up the game Netflix. There’s no way you can’t beat The 12 Naked Firemen of Christmas if you try.
Sounds like it is what I expected, “Hey, Knight Before Christmas, you know with a K.” was the total pitch and somebody did a botched job of writing the script.
Is it extrajudicial killing if you are a knight sworn to uphold the king’s peace? In the future, I suppose it is, but probably well within the laws of his own time.
I’d like to add that this was filmed in Bracebridge, Ontario; the writers didn’t even bother coming up with a fake name for the town. They just randomly chose Ohio, because everything happens in the US.
@17, “everything happens in the US.” — It is known. See also Orphan Black.
The only thing I could think of when I saw the trailer is, “Didn’t Hugh Jackman do a movie like this?” Not the Christmas movie part, just the Rom-Com with time travelling male lead part.
So, this is basically ‘Catweazle’ with romance added? Please tell me he at least once referred to the new fangled harnessing of power as ‘elecktrickery’?
There’s some films where I’d expect a certain level of historical accuracy about their portrayal of a C13 knight, but a Netflix Christmas special is not one of them.
Also, ‘old crone’ just reminds me of Monty Python’s Holy Grail, (and was that film more, or less, historically accurate?)
@16 – I don’t really care if the threats are 14th century appropriate. There are many aspects of 14th century English life that fall well short of my personal standard for being Holiday Festive. And I’m basically the Grinch, so my standards are low.
@20
I’ve heard that Holy Grail is the most accurate depiction of medieval life.
So, a cheesy Christmas movie turned out to be … cheesy? And you spent eight pages writing a review about how it was unrealistic?
it’s a Christmas movie, not a moving piece of thought-provoking literature. I enjoy Christmas movies because they’re ridiculous and delightful; a cozy distraction from the stress of real life. You should too 